The Mind of Infinite Unanswered Questions

 My mind. 

is consistently racing. Nonstop. 

That statement was also redundant.

Felt the need to call myself out there.

Anyways...

Here's what's going down in my mind today, at 1:45am on a Friday (Saturday?)

Do you ever just sit in your car, not moving, and just stare out in front of you? Do you ever get lost in your thoughts for so long that hours just pass by and you can't remember what you were even supposed to do that day? Do you ever just sit there and cry? For no reason, just tears, rolling down your face, with that little hint of salt when it hits your lips. Silently telling yourself, "Why are you crying? You were so happy minutes ago. Why now?" as you drive away playing some overly dramatic song on your speakers trying to snap yourself out it? 

You too? Cool, so you've gone through 2020 also. 

I'm not necessarily saying I did that today, or yesterday, or in the last week, but sometimes I think back and try to figure out what caused those tears now that I have more clarity than I did that day. And every single time I replay those moments in my head, the same driving factor pops up. Lack of pride in myself, lack of confidence, not feeling like I'm making a difference, not making the people around me proud. 

i cry because the majority of people I surrounded myself with only cared about material things, drama, being popular, and did a good job of making me feel as though I was always a terrible friend.

i cried because they called me names that I believed were true and deserving and names that I never argued because I didn't want to lose friends. 

It was tearing me apart. Puffy eyes for days. Lost voice from screaming. Not moving out of my bed for days. Just replaying constant scenarios in my head over and over again wondering what I did wrong. 

But one day, it all became clear:

         I will never see yourself in a positive way if I don't surround myself with those who                                 believe in me, support me, and want to be present for me. 

I have finally found my place. I have found a community that believes in what I believe in. People that want to be a part of the change; that want to make a difference. Where we put others first, we trade skills, we support each one of our endeavors because that's what it means to be a community and to collaborate with those around us to better yourself and them. 

I didn't know that this is what I needed until I moved here. I'm constantly asked why I move so much and as much as wanderlust is a huge component to that, being able to find a community and people who understand me was always at the root of it. 

I feel whole again. I feel like me. 

I'm so proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.

                                                My life is moving forward in the best way. The best support, the best                              co-workers, the growing friendships, and the deep relationships. 

              I have such a long way to go, but right this second, I am so immensely grateful. 

For you, for me, for this moment.

Sincerely,

Me xx