Peacefully Detaching from Toxicity

I've wanted to write this post for a while. I'm still not sure if it is the right time; if my thoughts are aligned, if I have the clarity I need to move forward, or the words that will encompass what I am trying to write. But something tells me that tonight is the night to at least try. 

I'm giving out my energy and time for people whom I love and support and show appreciation,

but,

I'm also giving away energy to people who don't realize the energy I exert is energy that I am not putting back into myself while also showing zero appreciation. 

And that has to stop.

My whole life, I have always made it an effort to never say no to people, if possible. If someone needed help, I said yes. If someone asked for someone to accompany them somewhere, I say yes. Need money? Sure. Why not. But, I don't regret any of those people, I'm not mad at myself for doing it. I love doing it. I love showing up for my friends. My constant urge to help people and be their person that saves the day is something that brings me joy. I like to be the person that helps make someone else's life a little bit easier and less stressful. 

But I forgot about one thing. 

Myself. 

My happiness.

My stress. 

My goals.

Lately, I've noticed that the one thing I haven't been receiving is the love and support that I provide for some people. Sure, I have a good group of friends that do show up for me and support me and will listen to me talk for hours because I just need someone. And I am so forever grateful for them. Then there are the people I want to keep in my life so I am there for them in any way needed, but if I also never spoke to those people again, I don't think they would care or notice.

During a walk today, I was thinking about how many people I have helped in the past in one way or another and how many of them were grateful or said thank you, in a genuine way. 

And aside from a specific few, there weren't many. And yet, I kept helping them. Because that's the person I am. I care. A lot. Maybe too much sometimes. 

I am so grateful for my life: what I've accomplished, where I've worked, the relationships I've been in, the people I've met, the memories I've made, the travels I've endured. It's truly magical. However, the one thing that would make it better is to remove the toxicity. Remove the people that make me rethink my life, the people who make me cry, the people who make me feel like I'm always making the wrong decision. The people, who judge my life and who I am while not even knowing me. The people that make me doubt and think lesser of myself

I'm done with those people. They're not bad people. Just not ones I want to have a presence in my life. 

I'm writing this post to tell myself and others (whoever reads this, which is probably no one or my dad), that sometimes, you have to let people go to move forward, to take steps that guide you in the direction you see yourself. The only person you need to think about is yourself. Your happiness, your goals, your actions, your decisions, those are of primary importance. One step closer to pure happiness, just a little bit more clarity, is what needs to happen, and getting rid of those toxic people and events in your life is the first step. 

Cleanse yourself of people who do not appreciate you or are not grateful for everything you do for them. The people who don't reciprocate the love and gratitude that you express towards them. The people who don't support your lifestyle or dreams. Rid of those dark clouds, the negative energy, and replace it with good intentions, good people, and dreams that go beyond the stars. 

You deserve it. We deserve it.

The Mind of Infinite Unanswered Questions

 My mind. 

is consistently racing. Nonstop. 

That statement was also redundant.

Felt the need to call myself out there.

Anyways...

Here's what's going down in my mind today, at 1:45am on a Friday (Saturday?)

Do you ever just sit in your car, not moving, and just stare out in front of you? Do you ever get lost in your thoughts for so long that hours just pass by and you can't remember what you were even supposed to do that day? Do you ever just sit there and cry? For no reason, just tears, rolling down your face, with that little hint of salt when it hits your lips. Silently telling yourself, "Why are you crying? You were so happy minutes ago. Why now?" as you drive away playing some overly dramatic song on your speakers trying to snap yourself out it? 

You too? Cool, so you've gone through 2020 also. 

I'm not necessarily saying I did that today, or yesterday, or in the last week, but sometimes I think back and try to figure out what caused those tears now that I have more clarity than I did that day. And every single time I replay those moments in my head, the same driving factor pops up. Lack of pride in myself, lack of confidence, not feeling like I'm making a difference, not making the people around me proud. 

i cry because the majority of people I surrounded myself with only cared about material things, drama, being popular, and did a good job of making me feel as though I was always a terrible friend.

i cried because they called me names that I believed were true and deserving and names that I never argued because I didn't want to lose friends. 

It was tearing me apart. Puffy eyes for days. Lost voice from screaming. Not moving out of my bed for days. Just replaying constant scenarios in my head over and over again wondering what I did wrong. 

But one day, it all became clear:

         I will never see yourself in a positive way if I don't surround myself with those who                                 believe in me, support me, and want to be present for me. 

I have finally found my place. I have found a community that believes in what I believe in. People that want to be a part of the change; that want to make a difference. Where we put others first, we trade skills, we support each one of our endeavors because that's what it means to be a community and to collaborate with those around us to better yourself and them. 

I didn't know that this is what I needed until I moved here. I'm constantly asked why I move so much and as much as wanderlust is a huge component to that, being able to find a community and people who understand me was always at the root of it. 

I feel whole again. I feel like me. 

I'm so proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.

                                                My life is moving forward in the best way. The best support, the best                              co-workers, the growing friendships, and the deep relationships. 

              I have such a long way to go, but right this second, I am so immensely grateful. 

For you, for me, for this moment.

Sincerely,

Me xx