I Miss You.

I miss you.

Your smile.
       Your embrace.
Your laughter.
       Your energy.

You always told me "My money's on you"
You made sure that I knew when I became famous I was going to buy you a new car
You had a room specifically for me
You always knew,
        You knew how to make me feel loved.
Admired. That I was a huge piece of your heart. That I was always "Gorgeous."
        We should've trademarked that word. Gorgeous was YOUR word.

You never gave up on me.
We spent our weekends together;
        laughing, eating, holding hands.
We shopped even though I hated it because you loved it.
You cared about my life
Everything about it.
My education, my dating life, family life.

                                        Then I moved away from you.
I feel selfish, as if I betrayed you.

I remember the day.
The moment is so lucid.
We knew it wasn't going to be much longer.
But we thought we could hold onto you for another 2 years.
I got the call, Lisa was breathing heavier by the moment.
She told me you had your appointment, and they told you.

They told you it wasn't two years but two weeks.

                                                    My mom called me,
Asked if I wanted to talk to you, which I didn't know then would be my last time.
I said I had work and I couldn't be on the phone anymore.

She hung up. We never spoke.

I remember my mom telling me that you just wanted to always know when you were going to die.
You were a happy woman.
Loved by every single person.
But you knew the pain was going to get worse and your time was going to dissipate.

Showing up at your house, you were in hospice.
But your nails were perfectly painted because once you found out you were going to die, the first thing you asked for was to go get lunch and get your nails done because all you could do now was live.
We did impersonations of you;
        You smiled.
That was the last time you smiled. And I will never forget it.
We sang camp songs from when your daughters were young,
We played the voicemails you would leave us,
         Always about the sale at Nordstroms, never calling us by the right names.
You called mom, Hollis, you called me Lisa and you sometimes called all of us Fritz.

                                                       You accepted the fact that you were going to die.
                                      I missed my last call with you.
                                                        You couldn't speak when I saw you.
                                      It was your time to go.
                                                        You waited for me to come home before you let go.
I wasn't ready.
And now you're gone.
I need you back.
You had faith in me.
You believed in me.

But someone once told me, that you may be gone, but you will always be with me.

                                                                      And I believe that. 

I hope you see this, and I hope you understand how much happiness you brought into my life.

                        And I promise, 

Whoever I end up marrying, they are going to know that you are up there making sure they never treat me like crap because you will come down here and "beat the shit out of him."

Thank you, for being genuinely you. 

                                                                          I'm going to make you so proud.
                                                                                            Every. Single. Day.

Do Ya Feel Me?

Life is hard. 

It's so fucking hard. 

I sit awake at night, despite the weight of my eyelids shutting slowly descending to allow me to fall asleep, contemplating my life, my future, my past, my decisions, my friends, my enemies, and my actions. 

Don't you? 

No? Well, then you're lying. Because I'm pretty sure everyone does. 

Do you ever listen to that one same song or album over and over again because it just relates to you so much that you think if you listen to that song(s) enough times, some sort of answer will come out of it? That your life will suddenly change and everything will be better? For me, I'm listening to the entire Elle Mai album and a Kodaline album from 2013 because for some reason it hits me so much harder than I was ever expecting. Actually, I didn't even know I needed these albums until I listened to them the whole way through. 

But I'm not here to tell you to listen to an album or music in general (Although I highly recommend both).

I'm here to tell you that we are all stuck. I'm so sick of social media. I'm tired of looking at people's profiles and thinking they are so much happier than me, so much more successful. I have learned firsthand that those people that portray happiness actually aren't that satisfied in their own lives and they put up a façade. They just want to make everyone think that they are okay and that everything is unicorns and dandelions. Why do people need to do that? I'm not quite sure. Insecure? Pressure? Competition? Now, I'm not going to be a negative Nancy and say that everyone is miserable and their lives suck because I know that is absolutely false. But I am here to say that if you feel like you are falling behind, you are probably more ahead than you think. 

Do you have a job? Do you have friends? Family? A place to live? Are you breathing? If you said yes to one or all of these, you're doing pretty fucking great if you ask me. 

Social media has this well-known ability to bring down egos and self-esteem. You see these incredible photos being taken from amazing angles, people in amazing shape, wearing incredible outfits, smiling, traveling, laughing, etc. But have you ever seen how those photos are taken? Do you know if the photos are old or new? Are those people even their real friends? You're not going to know! THAT'S THE POINT! I used to be obsessed with Instagram and Facebook and comparing my lives to those around me and then I realized that this isn't reality. I'm basing my life off of a computer screen and people I don't even know. How is that even a way to live? IT'S. NOT.

So....

Listen up people! 

Life is a beautiful thing. You will have your ups, your downs, breakups, marriages, job losses, new jobs, money, no money, experiences, memories, and all around love for everyone and everything. Stop comparing. Stop believing that your life is so much worse that everyone else's because you don't know the life they're living outside the phone screen. And it's not your job to know their lives unless they want to share it with you. Wake up and do something for YOU, not to impress those around you. You want to waitress for the rest of your life, then fuck, do it. You want to quit your job to start your own company despite the risk of losing everything, then do it. If you want to continue what you're doing because it's a solid safety net, then hell, it's not what I want to do, but by all means, you do it. 

There is no one's approval you need but your own. You may get negative feedback, opinions, and maybe even some backlash, but that isn't a reason for you to give up on the life you want to live. 

The reason for this post is simple: Live your life. Live your best life. Live a messed up life. Life a life of adventure. Live a life of heartbreak and love. Live a life full of laughter and tears. 

Just Live.


"High hopes. When you let it go, the world can start again" - Kodaline

Do ya Feel Me? 

Do you? 

You don't have to. Because it's YOUR life. 

Xx, 
Em