Note: This post was started in February, but it seems like a good time to finish those thoughts:
Warning: So much cursing that Maury Povich wouldn't air it.
To all of you.
I'm sorry I'm like this.
I'm sorry for all of it.
I'm sorry I text a lot. I'm sorry I am private about things that make me upset. I'm sorry I overthink. I'm sorry for making you believe that I'm always happy when in reality, I'm incredibly sad. I'm sorry that my reasoning for doing and not doing something may seem idiotic and petty. I'm sorry that I have feelings. I'm sorry that sometimes I can't hold a conversation. I'm sorry, I may not be as intellectual as others you know, I'm sorry I'm trying my hardest and it's not enough, I'm sorry that, to me, I expect certain things out of people, not complicated, but what I think I deserve. An example? Hmmm, let's see....
Honesty?
Respect?
Compassion?
Reciprocity?
It's totally okay, I get it that those are hard concepts for some people to grasp.
Reverting back to my original post, I'm just sorry for being 100% me, with real tears, laughter, love, compassion, comfort, anger, jealousy, negativity, optimism, and everything in between.
I am so so so incredibly sorry for being human.
Now, let's move on.
To every single guy who basically utilized me for a week or two and then had some realizations that they "aren't in a good place to be in anything right now " or say, "I just don't think I want to be doing anything with anyone at this time in my life. Everything is just bad timing right now" and then suddenly become okay and start seeing someone within a few weeks: FUCK. YOU.
To me, who acknowledged what they said and appreciated the honesty and respected their decision: Girl, You. Got. Fucked. Over.
AGAIN. AND AGAIN.
...and again...
I guess fool me once, huh? But in terms of my life, I supposed it's fool me 3 times, maybe 4 or 5. In the same month.
I feel used.
I feel disappointed
I feel betrayed.
I feel like a layover on their way to a better destination.
A pitstop
A one-off
Just a fucking goddamn piece of female meat.
Fuck everyone who told me they feel something for me.
No you don't.
Fuck you for saying that it wasn't a one and done.
It was.
Fuck you for saying it was real.
No it wasn't.
Fuck you for telling me that this was not a rebound or to fulfill a craving.
Is your dick happy now?
I HAVE MOTHERFUCKING FEELINGS.
i have a heart.
i have a soul
i have feelings
i crave compassion and passion.
I want a connection.
i want conversation.
i want substance.
I AM DONE BEING USED.
Want to get deeper into this? Oh please, read on. It gets better.
Once upon a time, in my golden years (19-early 20s range), I allowed myself to be used. I knew it was happening, but I didn't care. I was getting attention. No one liked me until college, actually after college. I didn't want to have sex because I was waiting for a special person (spoiler: he wasn't so special). So what did I do? I did anything else for them so they would feel some way towards me. I wanted to feel wanted. My neighbor in my dorm used to text me every weekend after he drank to go over there and basically do things that only benefited him. Did I go to bed mad about it? Nope. Why? Because I felt needed. How many guys have I done stuff like that for? Oh, how much time do ya'll have? I basically was passed around, especially at parties. When I was 22, I went to someone's house, who? I don't know, some friend of someone else that I was visiting that weekend. It was a party. I was so drunk. So unbelievably drunk and I remember being brought upstairs. I remember some guy brought me upstairs and there was a bed. We had sex. I don't remember it, I remember not really wanting it, I didn't even know this guy. And I thought nothing of it. But as years go by and the more I think about that night, the more I wonder what actually happened, and that question that no girl wants to even think about crosses their mind. You're thinking it too. I don't want to say it because it disgusts me.
The point I'm trying to make with everything said before now is this: since college, I've felt used with a few interruptions of a few great connections that felt real.
As many times as I would like to say a big Fuck You to these men, I also have to say thank you.
thank you for showing me what I don't deserve
thank you for showing me the signs I need to look for to keep myself safe
thank you for making me realize how big of an asshole you were before I exerted all my energy on you
thank you for playing me, messing with my feelings, my vulnerability
thank you for going radio silent on me
Thank you for helping me realize that my self-worth is more important than impressing you.
I have self dignity. I have pride. I have choices.
I'm destroyed. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I'm drained. I wake up with empty thoughts. It's as though my brain can't put words or sentences together. I cry. Every morning. Sometimes I don't even know why. I just do. Because it's all I feel like I can do. I'm so tired of this.
I just want to sleep.
I want to close my eyes.
Goodnight.
