It's never simple, is it?

I fell for you. 9 years ago. The second I met you.

But you know that. Because you did the same.
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Then I ditched you for your best friend. And I fucked up. As usual.

Fast forward 9 years. 

And now this all happened. To you, it's nothing. It's just a friendship. To me? It's everything. 

We made plans. I had no intentions. You seemed more into it than I did. I was just up for hanging out with my friend. 

You pulled up in front of my house, I see you through my window. I run down to say hello and see you through your window and memories came flashing back. Meeting you at the baseball field, talking with you about video games, talking on the rock that overlooked the entire town, talking about relationships and love and realizing that we got along so well. It was the easiest conversation I'd ever had with somebody. It was the first time I believed that someone could like me for me. 

We smoked. We talked. We went and played pool. We got food. We laughed.

I felt you wanted to get closer but I didn't know how I felt. 

Then you kissed me, in my bed.

It's strange to me.

How I became after. 

I know that I'm an emotional person, but usually, with most, my attachment isn't permanent because the emotional feeling isn't there. I can let it go. It's usually so simple because I know how most see me. 

But with you, it's so incredibly different. 

I knew I was in trouble. I knew it because this wasn't going to be a one and done for me. You want to know how I knew?

I smiled afterwards. For hours. For days. Until I saw you next. 

And it happened. Exactly how I expected. I saw you, we smiled, we laughed, we cooked, we kissed, we watched movies. It couldn't have been more comfortable.

It had to become too good to be true, right? 

Because why me? Why would I ever get so lucky?

And I'm not saying it's over. But I know it's heading there. Because it's never me. 

You tell me I'm attractive. You think I'm silly and love the way I dress. That I'm not like every other woman. That I'm okay sitting and not spending money and being spontaneous. I love to make friends with everyone. How bowling, pool, and a giant pitcher or two of beer is my idea of a night out with you. 

But it can never stop there. 

There's ALWAYS a downside. 

You showed me a photo of a woman you thought was also attractive because I told you it was okay to show me because it's not like we were dating and she was cute. And in the beginning, I was okay with it, but with every minute I spent with you, I didn't want to think about her and the effect she has on you. But I couldn't stop thinking about her. Comparing this girl I know nothing about to myself and every single time, she was better than me. I don't even know what she sounds like. 

Then you told me that if I found someone that was perfect for me that I should go with it and do it. That he doesn't know if he'll be ready for a long time, that he's in a weird place. And I have all the respect for that kind of mindset. 

There was no one else. 

I couldn't even think of a soul. Only him. 

I know, I'm always like this. Attached. That it's just a feeling you get when there's someone new. 

When I fall, I fall hard. Every time. And I ruin it. It's always my fault for the drastic decline of our relationship whether it be romantic or platonic. 

With that said, I have something I need to say. 

Dearest You, 

I like you. 

You make me happy. 

The light touches on my back, the kisses, the smiles. 

Cooking together, having a drink, making conversation with strangers. 

You never question me or my actions. 

You listen. You care. You are so genuinely you.

I enjoy talking about you to my friends.

Seeing your face on video even if you're doing it just for me.

You have views, you have dreams, you have opinions.

You may tell me that you're nothing special,

but I believe that people who know someone well understand what's special about them.

I'm sorry for how I am. 

How attached I become. 

The consistent texts, messages, and urges to see you.

Asking you a million times about your feelings.

Questioning your motives when I know you would never lie.

I guess it's simply this:

I know I won't lose you as a friend, but I'm scared you'll lose me.

You never say no to me, and I think if you could, you would.

I don't want to be hurt, especially by you,

but if you need to end it, I have to believe there's something better out there. 

I ultimately want happiness for both of us. I just want lifetimes filled with smiles and pure love. 

And if that's not with each other, then I will accept that. 

Find someone who fills your soul with love, mind with questions, and heart with memories.

I will never stop caring,

Me.