The Mind of Infinite Unanswered Questions

 My mind. 

is consistently racing. Nonstop. 

That statement was also redundant.

Felt the need to call myself out there.

Anyways...

Here's what's going down in my mind today, at 1:45am on a Friday (Saturday?)

Do you ever just sit in your car, not moving, and just stare out in front of you? Do you ever get lost in your thoughts for so long that hours just pass by and you can't remember what you were even supposed to do that day? Do you ever just sit there and cry? For no reason, just tears, rolling down your face, with that little hint of salt when it hits your lips. Silently telling yourself, "Why are you crying? You were so happy minutes ago. Why now?" as you drive away playing some overly dramatic song on your speakers trying to snap yourself out it? 

You too? Cool, so you've gone through 2020 also. 

I'm not necessarily saying I did that today, or yesterday, or in the last week, but sometimes I think back and try to figure out what caused those tears now that I have more clarity than I did that day. And every single time I replay those moments in my head, the same driving factor pops up. Lack of pride in myself, lack of confidence, not feeling like I'm making a difference, not making the people around me proud. 

i cry because the majority of people I surrounded myself with only cared about material things, drama, being popular, and did a good job of making me feel as though I was always a terrible friend.

i cried because they called me names that I believed were true and deserving and names that I never argued because I didn't want to lose friends. 

It was tearing me apart. Puffy eyes for days. Lost voice from screaming. Not moving out of my bed for days. Just replaying constant scenarios in my head over and over again wondering what I did wrong. 

But one day, it all became clear:

         I will never see yourself in a positive way if I don't surround myself with those who                                 believe in me, support me, and want to be present for me. 

I have finally found my place. I have found a community that believes in what I believe in. People that want to be a part of the change; that want to make a difference. Where we put others first, we trade skills, we support each one of our endeavors because that's what it means to be a community and to collaborate with those around us to better yourself and them. 

I didn't know that this is what I needed until I moved here. I'm constantly asked why I move so much and as much as wanderlust is a huge component to that, being able to find a community and people who understand me was always at the root of it. 

I feel whole again. I feel like me. 

I'm so proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.

                                                My life is moving forward in the best way. The best support, the best                              co-workers, the growing friendships, and the deep relationships. 

              I have such a long way to go, but right this second, I am so immensely grateful. 

For you, for me, for this moment.

Sincerely,

Me xx

It's never simple, is it?

I fell for you. 9 years ago. The second I met you.

But you know that. Because you did the same.
.
.
.
.
Then I ditched you for your best friend. And I fucked up. As usual.

Fast forward 9 years. 

And now this all happened. To you, it's nothing. It's just a friendship. To me? It's everything. 

We made plans. I had no intentions. You seemed more into it than I did. I was just up for hanging out with my friend. 

You pulled up in front of my house, I see you through my window. I run down to say hello and see you through your window and memories came flashing back. Meeting you at the baseball field, talking with you about video games, talking on the rock that overlooked the entire town, talking about relationships and love and realizing that we got along so well. It was the easiest conversation I'd ever had with somebody. It was the first time I believed that someone could like me for me. 

We smoked. We talked. We went and played pool. We got food. We laughed.

I felt you wanted to get closer but I didn't know how I felt. 

Then you kissed me, in my bed.

It's strange to me.

How I became after. 

I know that I'm an emotional person, but usually, with most, my attachment isn't permanent because the emotional feeling isn't there. I can let it go. It's usually so simple because I know how most see me. 

But with you, it's so incredibly different. 

I knew I was in trouble. I knew it because this wasn't going to be a one and done for me. You want to know how I knew?

I smiled afterwards. For hours. For days. Until I saw you next. 

And it happened. Exactly how I expected. I saw you, we smiled, we laughed, we cooked, we kissed, we watched movies. It couldn't have been more comfortable.

It had to become too good to be true, right? 

Because why me? Why would I ever get so lucky?

And I'm not saying it's over. But I know it's heading there. Because it's never me. 

You tell me I'm attractive. You think I'm silly and love the way I dress. That I'm not like every other woman. That I'm okay sitting and not spending money and being spontaneous. I love to make friends with everyone. How bowling, pool, and a giant pitcher or two of beer is my idea of a night out with you. 

But it can never stop there. 

There's ALWAYS a downside. 

You showed me a photo of a woman you thought was also attractive because I told you it was okay to show me because it's not like we were dating and she was cute. And in the beginning, I was okay with it, but with every minute I spent with you, I didn't want to think about her and the effect she has on you. But I couldn't stop thinking about her. Comparing this girl I know nothing about to myself and every single time, she was better than me. I don't even know what she sounds like. 

Then you told me that if I found someone that was perfect for me that I should go with it and do it. That he doesn't know if he'll be ready for a long time, that he's in a weird place. And I have all the respect for that kind of mindset. 

There was no one else. 

I couldn't even think of a soul. Only him. 

I know, I'm always like this. Attached. That it's just a feeling you get when there's someone new. 

When I fall, I fall hard. Every time. And I ruin it. It's always my fault for the drastic decline of our relationship whether it be romantic or platonic. 

With that said, I have something I need to say. 

Dearest You, 

I like you. 

You make me happy. 

The light touches on my back, the kisses, the smiles. 

Cooking together, having a drink, making conversation with strangers. 

You never question me or my actions. 

You listen. You care. You are so genuinely you.

I enjoy talking about you to my friends.

Seeing your face on video even if you're doing it just for me.

You have views, you have dreams, you have opinions.

You may tell me that you're nothing special,

but I believe that people who know someone well understand what's special about them.

I'm sorry for how I am. 

How attached I become. 

The consistent texts, messages, and urges to see you.

Asking you a million times about your feelings.

Questioning your motives when I know you would never lie.

I guess it's simply this:

I know I won't lose you as a friend, but I'm scared you'll lose me.

You never say no to me, and I think if you could, you would.

I don't want to be hurt, especially by you,

but if you need to end it, I have to believe there's something better out there. 

I ultimately want happiness for both of us. I just want lifetimes filled with smiles and pure love. 

And if that's not with each other, then I will accept that. 

Find someone who fills your soul with love, mind with questions, and heart with memories.

I will never stop caring,

Me.

I Miss You.

I miss you.

Your smile.
       Your embrace.
Your laughter.
       Your energy.

You always told me "My money's on you"
You made sure that I knew when I became famous I was going to buy you a new car
You had a room specifically for me
You always knew,
        You knew how to make me feel loved.
Admired. That I was a huge piece of your heart. That I was always "Gorgeous."
        We should've trademarked that word. Gorgeous was YOUR word.

You never gave up on me.
We spent our weekends together;
        laughing, eating, holding hands.
We shopped even though I hated it because you loved it.
You cared about my life
Everything about it.
My education, my dating life, family life.

                                        Then I moved away from you.
I feel selfish, as if I betrayed you.

I remember the day.
The moment is so lucid.
We knew it wasn't going to be much longer.
But we thought we could hold onto you for another 2 years.
I got the call, Lisa was breathing heavier by the moment.
She told me you had your appointment, and they told you.

They told you it wasn't two years but two weeks.

                                                    My mom called me,
Asked if I wanted to talk to you, which I didn't know then would be my last time.
I said I had work and I couldn't be on the phone anymore.

She hung up. We never spoke.

I remember my mom telling me that you just wanted to always know when you were going to die.
You were a happy woman.
Loved by every single person.
But you knew the pain was going to get worse and your time was going to dissipate.

Showing up at your house, you were in hospice.
But your nails were perfectly painted because once you found out you were going to die, the first thing you asked for was to go get lunch and get your nails done because all you could do now was live.
We did impersonations of you;
        You smiled.
That was the last time you smiled. And I will never forget it.
We sang camp songs from when your daughters were young,
We played the voicemails you would leave us,
         Always about the sale at Nordstroms, never calling us by the right names.
You called mom, Hollis, you called me Lisa and you sometimes called all of us Fritz.

                                                       You accepted the fact that you were going to die.
                                      I missed my last call with you.
                                                        You couldn't speak when I saw you.
                                      It was your time to go.
                                                        You waited for me to come home before you let go.
I wasn't ready.
And now you're gone.
I need you back.
You had faith in me.
You believed in me.

But someone once told me, that you may be gone, but you will always be with me.

                                                                      And I believe that. 

I hope you see this, and I hope you understand how much happiness you brought into my life.

                        And I promise, 

Whoever I end up marrying, they are going to know that you are up there making sure they never treat me like crap because you will come down here and "beat the shit out of him."

Thank you, for being genuinely you. 

                                                                          I'm going to make you so proud.
                                                                                            Every. Single. Day.

Do Ya Feel Me?

Life is hard. 

It's so fucking hard. 

I sit awake at night, despite the weight of my eyelids shutting slowly descending to allow me to fall asleep, contemplating my life, my future, my past, my decisions, my friends, my enemies, and my actions. 

Don't you? 

No? Well, then you're lying. Because I'm pretty sure everyone does. 

Do you ever listen to that one same song or album over and over again because it just relates to you so much that you think if you listen to that song(s) enough times, some sort of answer will come out of it? That your life will suddenly change and everything will be better? For me, I'm listening to the entire Elle Mai album and a Kodaline album from 2013 because for some reason it hits me so much harder than I was ever expecting. Actually, I didn't even know I needed these albums until I listened to them the whole way through. 

But I'm not here to tell you to listen to an album or music in general (Although I highly recommend both).

I'm here to tell you that we are all stuck. I'm so sick of social media. I'm tired of looking at people's profiles and thinking they are so much happier than me, so much more successful. I have learned firsthand that those people that portray happiness actually aren't that satisfied in their own lives and they put up a façade. They just want to make everyone think that they are okay and that everything is unicorns and dandelions. Why do people need to do that? I'm not quite sure. Insecure? Pressure? Competition? Now, I'm not going to be a negative Nancy and say that everyone is miserable and their lives suck because I know that is absolutely false. But I am here to say that if you feel like you are falling behind, you are probably more ahead than you think. 

Do you have a job? Do you have friends? Family? A place to live? Are you breathing? If you said yes to one or all of these, you're doing pretty fucking great if you ask me. 

Social media has this well-known ability to bring down egos and self-esteem. You see these incredible photos being taken from amazing angles, people in amazing shape, wearing incredible outfits, smiling, traveling, laughing, etc. But have you ever seen how those photos are taken? Do you know if the photos are old or new? Are those people even their real friends? You're not going to know! THAT'S THE POINT! I used to be obsessed with Instagram and Facebook and comparing my lives to those around me and then I realized that this isn't reality. I'm basing my life off of a computer screen and people I don't even know. How is that even a way to live? IT'S. NOT.

So....

Listen up people! 

Life is a beautiful thing. You will have your ups, your downs, breakups, marriages, job losses, new jobs, money, no money, experiences, memories, and all around love for everyone and everything. Stop comparing. Stop believing that your life is so much worse that everyone else's because you don't know the life they're living outside the phone screen. And it's not your job to know their lives unless they want to share it with you. Wake up and do something for YOU, not to impress those around you. You want to waitress for the rest of your life, then fuck, do it. You want to quit your job to start your own company despite the risk of losing everything, then do it. If you want to continue what you're doing because it's a solid safety net, then hell, it's not what I want to do, but by all means, you do it. 

There is no one's approval you need but your own. You may get negative feedback, opinions, and maybe even some backlash, but that isn't a reason for you to give up on the life you want to live. 

The reason for this post is simple: Live your life. Live your best life. Live a messed up life. Life a life of adventure. Live a life of heartbreak and love. Live a life full of laughter and tears. 

Just Live.


"High hopes. When you let it go, the world can start again" - Kodaline

Do ya Feel Me? 

Do you? 

You don't have to. Because it's YOUR life. 

Xx, 
Em