I Miss You.

I miss you.

Your smile.
       Your embrace.
Your laughter.
       Your energy.

You always told me "My money's on you"
You made sure that I knew when I became famous I was going to buy you a new car
You had a room specifically for me
You always knew,
        You knew how to make me feel loved.
Admired. That I was a huge piece of your heart. That I was always "Gorgeous."
        We should've trademarked that word. Gorgeous was YOUR word.

You never gave up on me.
We spent our weekends together;
        laughing, eating, holding hands.
We shopped even though I hated it because you loved it.
You cared about my life
Everything about it.
My education, my dating life, family life.

                                        Then I moved away from you.
I feel selfish, as if I betrayed you.

I remember the day.
The moment is so lucid.
We knew it wasn't going to be much longer.
But we thought we could hold onto you for another 2 years.
I got the call, Lisa was breathing heavier by the moment.
She told me you had your appointment, and they told you.

They told you it wasn't two years but two weeks.

                                                    My mom called me,
Asked if I wanted to talk to you, which I didn't know then would be my last time.
I said I had work and I couldn't be on the phone anymore.

She hung up. We never spoke.

I remember my mom telling me that you just wanted to always know when you were going to die.
You were a happy woman.
Loved by every single person.
But you knew the pain was going to get worse and your time was going to dissipate.

Showing up at your house, you were in hospice.
But your nails were perfectly painted because once you found out you were going to die, the first thing you asked for was to go get lunch and get your nails done because all you could do now was live.
We did impersonations of you;
        You smiled.
That was the last time you smiled. And I will never forget it.
We sang camp songs from when your daughters were young,
We played the voicemails you would leave us,
         Always about the sale at Nordstroms, never calling us by the right names.
You called mom, Hollis, you called me Lisa and you sometimes called all of us Fritz.

                                                       You accepted the fact that you were going to die.
                                      I missed my last call with you.
                                                        You couldn't speak when I saw you.
                                      It was your time to go.
                                                        You waited for me to come home before you let go.
I wasn't ready.
And now you're gone.
I need you back.
You had faith in me.
You believed in me.

But someone once told me, that you may be gone, but you will always be with me.

                                                                      And I believe that. 

I hope you see this, and I hope you understand how much happiness you brought into my life.

                        And I promise, 

Whoever I end up marrying, they are going to know that you are up there making sure they never treat me like crap because you will come down here and "beat the shit out of him."

Thank you, for being genuinely you. 

                                                                          I'm going to make you so proud.
                                                                                            Every. Single. Day.

Do Ya Feel Me?

Life is hard. 

It's so fucking hard. 

I sit awake at night, despite the weight of my eyelids shutting slowly descending to allow me to fall asleep, contemplating my life, my future, my past, my decisions, my friends, my enemies, and my actions. 

Don't you? 

No? Well, then you're lying. Because I'm pretty sure everyone does. 

Do you ever listen to that one same song or album over and over again because it just relates to you so much that you think if you listen to that song(s) enough times, some sort of answer will come out of it? That your life will suddenly change and everything will be better? For me, I'm listening to the entire Elle Mai album and a Kodaline album from 2013 because for some reason it hits me so much harder than I was ever expecting. Actually, I didn't even know I needed these albums until I listened to them the whole way through. 

But I'm not here to tell you to listen to an album or music in general (Although I highly recommend both).

I'm here to tell you that we are all stuck. I'm so sick of social media. I'm tired of looking at people's profiles and thinking they are so much happier than me, so much more successful. I have learned firsthand that those people that portray happiness actually aren't that satisfied in their own lives and they put up a façade. They just want to make everyone think that they are okay and that everything is unicorns and dandelions. Why do people need to do that? I'm not quite sure. Insecure? Pressure? Competition? Now, I'm not going to be a negative Nancy and say that everyone is miserable and their lives suck because I know that is absolutely false. But I am here to say that if you feel like you are falling behind, you are probably more ahead than you think. 

Do you have a job? Do you have friends? Family? A place to live? Are you breathing? If you said yes to one or all of these, you're doing pretty fucking great if you ask me. 

Social media has this well-known ability to bring down egos and self-esteem. You see these incredible photos being taken from amazing angles, people in amazing shape, wearing incredible outfits, smiling, traveling, laughing, etc. But have you ever seen how those photos are taken? Do you know if the photos are old or new? Are those people even their real friends? You're not going to know! THAT'S THE POINT! I used to be obsessed with Instagram and Facebook and comparing my lives to those around me and then I realized that this isn't reality. I'm basing my life off of a computer screen and people I don't even know. How is that even a way to live? IT'S. NOT.

So....

Listen up people! 

Life is a beautiful thing. You will have your ups, your downs, breakups, marriages, job losses, new jobs, money, no money, experiences, memories, and all around love for everyone and everything. Stop comparing. Stop believing that your life is so much worse that everyone else's because you don't know the life they're living outside the phone screen. And it's not your job to know their lives unless they want to share it with you. Wake up and do something for YOU, not to impress those around you. You want to waitress for the rest of your life, then fuck, do it. You want to quit your job to start your own company despite the risk of losing everything, then do it. If you want to continue what you're doing because it's a solid safety net, then hell, it's not what I want to do, but by all means, you do it. 

There is no one's approval you need but your own. You may get negative feedback, opinions, and maybe even some backlash, but that isn't a reason for you to give up on the life you want to live. 

The reason for this post is simple: Live your life. Live your best life. Live a messed up life. Life a life of adventure. Live a life of heartbreak and love. Live a life full of laughter and tears. 

Just Live.


"High hopes. When you let it go, the world can start again" - Kodaline

Do ya Feel Me? 

Do you? 

You don't have to. Because it's YOUR life. 

Xx, 
Em

I Think Your 20's is Just a Decade of Pure Confusion

I'm baffled.

Always.

Seriously. Confused. 24/7.

It's as though every decade has a reason:
0-10 years old: School and playdates with friends
11-20: High School, College, Partying, "Figuring out life"
30-40: Married, having kids, working a full-time job

And then this:
20-30 years old: Ummm, what?

What are we supposed to do? Most of us are graduating college, moving out of our parents houses, trying to determine what our future holds. But the majority of us have no idea what we want to do or where we expect ourselves to be within these years. It's going back to those awkward gap years, like when you wear braces and goofy glasses because it's just that time of your life. You feel as though your life should be coming together and you keep getting hit with these horrific moments of pure anger, confusion, and self doubt.

I think when you're in your 20s you either have your shit together or you don't. And I'm not saying that one is right and one is wrong, but lets face it; you feel like a major failure when you don't. I'm not even sure where I stand in this debacle we call a "quarter life crisis." The only thing I know at this point is that I have survived 25 years of my life, I'm not homeless, broke, or in jail. I don't know about you, but I call that a success. But success is not measured by the amount of time spent in jail (look at Martha Stewart for example).

Let's be serious for a second here: What is the true deciding factor that determines your success in your twenties? Does having a part-time job mean you're not doing well? Is being single, living alone, with one cat (maybe 5) mean you're a failure? Because to me, I'm being told these are the years you're supposed to have acquired your dream job, find the person of your dreams, and start feeling put together and ready to take on the world. But can someone please show me this checklist of what you're supposed to accomplish in your 20s because I think mine may have gotten lost in the mail.

Here's what I think, not that you care, but this is my take on your 20s:

These are the years about experimentation. You move new places, take on new jobs, new opportunities, and you do a trial and error run on your life. Figure out what makes you happy; what job do you want to wake up and go to every morning? Who do you want to spend all of your time with at the end of the day? Where do you want to live that combines everything you love into one? When you shoot a bow and arrow, chances are you don't hit the bulls eye on the first try, but after figuring out your errors and fixing them, you are bound to hit the center eventually. And as we all know, frustration and aggravation come into play along with self-hatred and depression, but life isn't all uphill; you have to go down at some point to make it to your final destination.

I have had jobs in a plethora of fields, befriended people of different varieties, moved to a copious amount of places all in the last few years just to try and come to some sort of conclusion about my life. And you know what? I still have absolutely no idea where I'm heading but I know where I'm not, and to me, that's progress.

If there is one I've learned halfway through my 20s it's this:

Don't get so down on yourself. Believe that eventually everything will come together and it will. If you don't put in the effort, nothing will happen to you. Everything cannot be handed to you a silver platter and if you believe that everything should, well then enjoy not getting anywhere anytime soon. These are the years to enjoy your freedom and try out new jobs, new locations, and new friends. Your twenties may be the most confusing years of your life, but I think they're the ones that make you stronger and get you closer to exactly who you want to be.

Now go on, take your twenties and show them who's boss.

London: I'm never underestimating a city again

“I guess I’ll go to London. I may as well since I’m doing Ireland and Scotland. I’ll just spend a few days there.”

Biggest regret I’ve ever had.

When I arrived to London, Stansted Airport, I immediately took a 1.5 hour bus ride to Finchley Road where I walked down the road to find my Hostel, which looked like an old Victorian House. It got amazing reviews so I was actually looking forward to it. But when I arrived, everyone was very quiet, there were a lot of older families there and I just wasn’t feeling the vibe. (Trust me, if you don’t feel a vibe in a hostel, you’re not going to enjoy it at all) So that night, instead of exploring the city (regret), I decided to hang back in the hostel and just go to bed.

The next day I told myself to get on that tube and just go somewhere. Anywhere. I chose Buckingham Palace. How was it? Umm, it was a palace. It was big. Looked like houses is Alpine, NJ. But it was located in such an odd location. Smack in the middle of the road. You would think it would be something like the white house but it wasn’t. There was a gate, those guards that you try and constantly make laugh, and some grass. So I continued on through the park and came across Parliament. Ask me anything about politics. Go ahead, ask. I will be you $1 that I will not know the answer. And I will tell you now, I will not know the answer. Why? Because I don’t care. I hate politics. I don’t know how they work. I don’t want to know how they work. Yay for honesty hour! But for some god forsaken reason I decided to buy a very overpriced ticket to go inside. I’m not going to lie, it was actually pretty cool to see both sides of Parliament and how they are separated and their beliefs. It was something to cross off my list. After Parliament, I walked by Westminster Abbey, didn’t go in because it was close to closing and decided to head over to a restaurant called Feathers and grab a burger that just wasn’t good. So at that point, I lost all hope in London and headed back to the hostel. A girl, nicknamed Hut, in my room started talking to me and we got pretty close and decided to go to dinner together. That’s when Q came in. He texted me about my trip and offered to take me out for a drink. At that point I was over London and just wanted to do something else so I agreed and later that night we went out.

He picked me up at the hostel and we headed to the local pub and underground wine bar where we talked about family and just our lives in general. It was exactly what I needed. Sometimes the only thing you need to make you smile is just a friend to talk to about everything. And he was exactly that. I felt super comfortable and started to enjoy myself and the London scene at night. He was so friendly that I didn’t’ want it to end, so I extended the invited of my wandering around London the next day to him and he told me to message him, which I did.

The next morning I decided to tour the Tower of London because I was told that it was a must-see when visiting London and although it was pouring and freezing that day, I have to agree. It was an incredible castle in London, full of history and beauty. Afterwards, I met back up with Q in the center of town and we just walked around, talked some more, grabbed some food, and rode on the carousel next to the Eye. He later invited me out in Campden (party central) to meet some of his friends. I knew that I wouldn’t go out drinking unless it was with people so of course I accepted the invite and met everyone later on in the night. It was probably one of the most fun times I’ve had in a long time. All of the people I met there were so heart-warming and friendly that it was as if I’d known them for ages. Finally, the night ending around 5am, I knew I was falling in love with London. I didn’t want to leave the next day.

My final day in London was quite saddening. I was planning on going to the aquarium or Westminster but the weather was rare at 75 degrees in October so I decided to take advantage of that and go to Hyde Park with my book and just read until I had to meet my Couchsurfing Host who would put me up that night before my flight the following morning. When I was at the park, Q surprised me by offering to meet me and it was the perfect ending with a true friend I’d only known for about 3 days. It’s funny how you can become so close to somebody within hours. So saying goodbye to him was quite hard but it was time for my next new adventure.

Around 6pm I met with my host, my first host ever, Nathan who was incredibly sweet. He welcome me with open arms. We went out for Indian food (one of my favorites), and then he took me on a night tour of London. The one thing I’ve learned so far while travelling, is that the city is so different at night versus daytime. The night sky is illuminated with the stars and the buildings that fill the city. The London Bridge was glowing with blue lights while Big Ben was shining bright while the time was ticking away. If it wasn’t for Couchsurfing, I don’t think I would’ve seen any of it. He gave me a tour and a history lesson. He made me laugh and made me look harder at my surroundings. I will never forget that night and the fact that he put me up for the night, for free.

London certainly was full of surprises. I met some amazing people, drank some horrible beer, ate some horrible food, but had the time of my life in a place I thought I was going to hate from the very beginning. I guess that truly shows that you can’t judge anything until you fully experience it.

Details:

Ryanair Flight: 12 Euros from Eindhoven, Holland – London Stansted Airport

Hostel: Palmer’s Lodge – Swiss Cottage. Approximately 18 pounds a night ($25)

Mode of transport: Oyster card (5 pounds + how much you put on it) – Tube/Walking