To All of the Men Who Changed Their Mind: Screw You & Thank You.

Note: This post was started in February, but it seems like a good time to finish those thoughts: 

Warning: So much cursing that Maury Povich wouldn't air it. 

To all of you. 

I'm sorry I'm like this. 

I'm sorry for all of it. 

I'm sorry I text a lot. I'm sorry I am private about things that make me upset. I'm sorry I overthink. I'm sorry for making you believe that I'm always happy when in reality, I'm incredibly sad. I'm sorry that my reasoning for doing and not doing something may seem idiotic and petty. I'm sorry that I have feelings. I'm sorry that sometimes I can't hold a conversation. I'm sorry, I may not be as intellectual as others you know, I'm sorry I'm trying my hardest and it's not enough, I'm sorry that, to me, I expect certain things out of people, not complicated, but what I think I deserve. An example? Hmmm, let's see....

Honesty?

Respect?

Compassion?

Reciprocity? 

It's totally okay, I get it that those are hard concepts for some people to grasp. 

Reverting back to my original post, I'm just sorry for being 100% me, with real tears, laughter, love, compassion, comfort, anger, jealousy, negativity, optimism, and everything in between. 

I am so so so incredibly sorry for being human.

Now, let's move on. 

To every single guy who basically utilized me for a week or two and then had some realizations that they "aren't in a good place to be in anything right now " or say, "I just don't think I want to be doing anything with anyone at this time in my life. Everything is just bad timing right now" and then suddenly become okay and start seeing someone within a few weeks: FUCK. YOU.

To me, who acknowledged what they said and appreciated the honesty and respected their decision: Girl, You. Got. Fucked. Over. 

AGAIN. AND AGAIN. 

...and again...

I guess fool me once, huh? But in terms of my life, I supposed it's fool me 3 times, maybe 4 or 5. In the same month. 

I feel used. 

I feel disappointed 

I feel betrayed.

I feel like a layover on their way to a better destination.

A pitstop

A one-off

Just a fucking goddamn piece of female meat.

Fuck everyone who told me they feel something for me. 

No you don't. 

Fuck you for saying that it wasn't a one and done. 

It was. 

Fuck you for saying it was real. 

No it wasn't. 

Fuck you for telling me that this was not a rebound or to fulfill a craving. 

Is your dick happy now? 

I HAVE MOTHERFUCKING FEELINGS.

 

i have a heart. 

i have a soul

i have feelings

i crave compassion and passion.

I want a connection.

i want conversation.

i want substance. 

I AM DONE BEING USED.

Want to get deeper into this? Oh please, read on. It gets better. 

Once upon a time, in my golden years (19-early 20s range), I allowed myself to be used. I knew it was happening, but I didn't care. I was getting attention. No one liked me until college, actually after college. I didn't want to have sex because I was waiting for a special person (spoiler: he wasn't so special). So what did I do? I did anything else for them so they would feel some way towards me. I wanted to feel wanted. My neighbor in my dorm used to text me every weekend after he drank to go over there and basically do things that only benefited him. Did I go to bed mad about it? Nope. Why? Because I felt needed. How many guys have I done stuff like that for? Oh, how much time do ya'll have? I basically was passed around, especially at parties. When I was 22, I went to someone's house, who? I don't know, some friend of someone else that I was visiting that weekend. It was a party. I was so drunk. So unbelievably drunk and I remember being brought upstairs. I remember some guy brought me upstairs and there was a bed. We had sex. I don't remember it, I remember not really wanting it, I didn't even know this guy. And I thought nothing of it. But as years go by and the more I think about that night, the more I wonder what actually happened, and that question that no girl wants to even think about crosses their mind. You're thinking it too. I don't want to say it because it disgusts me. 

The point I'm trying to make with everything said before now is this: since college, I've felt used with a few interruptions of a few great connections that felt real. 

As many times as I would like to say a big Fuck You to these men, I also have to say thank you. 

thank you for showing me what I don't deserve

thank you for showing me the signs I need to look for to keep myself safe

thank you for making me realize how big of an asshole you were before I exerted all my energy on you

thank you for playing me, messing with my feelings, my vulnerability

thank you for going radio silent on me 

Thank you for helping me realize that my self-worth is more important than impressing you.

I have self dignity. I have pride. I have choices. 

I'm destroyed. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. I'm drained. I wake up with empty thoughts. It's as though my brain can't put words or sentences together. I cry. Every morning. Sometimes I don't even know why. I just do. Because it's all I feel like I can do. I'm so tired of this.

I just want to sleep. 

I want to close my eyes.

Goodnight. 

Peacefully Detaching from Toxicity

I've wanted to write this post for a while. I'm still not sure if it is the right time; if my thoughts are aligned, if I have the clarity I need to move forward, or the words that will encompass what I am trying to write. But something tells me that tonight is the night to at least try. 

I'm giving out my energy and time for people whom I love and support and show appreciation,

but,

I'm also giving away energy to people who don't realize the energy I exert is energy that I am not putting back into myself while also showing zero appreciation. 

And that has to stop.

My whole life, I have always made it an effort to never say no to people, if possible. If someone needed help, I said yes. If someone asked for someone to accompany them somewhere, I say yes. Need money? Sure. Why not. But, I don't regret any of those people, I'm not mad at myself for doing it. I love doing it. I love showing up for my friends. My constant urge to help people and be their person that saves the day is something that brings me joy. I like to be the person that helps make someone else's life a little bit easier and less stressful. 

But I forgot about one thing. 

Myself. 

My happiness.

My stress. 

My goals.

Lately, I've noticed that the one thing I haven't been receiving is the love and support that I provide for some people. Sure, I have a good group of friends that do show up for me and support me and will listen to me talk for hours because I just need someone. And I am so forever grateful for them. Then there are the people I want to keep in my life so I am there for them in any way needed, but if I also never spoke to those people again, I don't think they would care or notice.

During a walk today, I was thinking about how many people I have helped in the past in one way or another and how many of them were grateful or said thank you, in a genuine way. 

And aside from a specific few, there weren't many. And yet, I kept helping them. Because that's the person I am. I care. A lot. Maybe too much sometimes. 

I am so grateful for my life: what I've accomplished, where I've worked, the relationships I've been in, the people I've met, the memories I've made, the travels I've endured. It's truly magical. However, the one thing that would make it better is to remove the toxicity. Remove the people that make me rethink my life, the people who make me cry, the people who make me feel like I'm always making the wrong decision. The people, who judge my life and who I am while not even knowing me. The people that make me doubt and think lesser of myself

I'm done with those people. They're not bad people. Just not ones I want to have a presence in my life. 

I'm writing this post to tell myself and others (whoever reads this, which is probably no one or my dad), that sometimes, you have to let people go to move forward, to take steps that guide you in the direction you see yourself. The only person you need to think about is yourself. Your happiness, your goals, your actions, your decisions, those are of primary importance. One step closer to pure happiness, just a little bit more clarity, is what needs to happen, and getting rid of those toxic people and events in your life is the first step. 

Cleanse yourself of people who do not appreciate you or are not grateful for everything you do for them. The people who don't reciprocate the love and gratitude that you express towards them. The people who don't support your lifestyle or dreams. Rid of those dark clouds, the negative energy, and replace it with good intentions, good people, and dreams that go beyond the stars. 

You deserve it. We deserve it.

The Mind of Infinite Unanswered Questions

 My mind. 

is consistently racing. Nonstop. 

That statement was also redundant.

Felt the need to call myself out there.

Anyways...

Here's what's going down in my mind today, at 1:45am on a Friday (Saturday?)

Do you ever just sit in your car, not moving, and just stare out in front of you? Do you ever get lost in your thoughts for so long that hours just pass by and you can't remember what you were even supposed to do that day? Do you ever just sit there and cry? For no reason, just tears, rolling down your face, with that little hint of salt when it hits your lips. Silently telling yourself, "Why are you crying? You were so happy minutes ago. Why now?" as you drive away playing some overly dramatic song on your speakers trying to snap yourself out it? 

You too? Cool, so you've gone through 2020 also. 

I'm not necessarily saying I did that today, or yesterday, or in the last week, but sometimes I think back and try to figure out what caused those tears now that I have more clarity than I did that day. And every single time I replay those moments in my head, the same driving factor pops up. Lack of pride in myself, lack of confidence, not feeling like I'm making a difference, not making the people around me proud. 

i cry because the majority of people I surrounded myself with only cared about material things, drama, being popular, and did a good job of making me feel as though I was always a terrible friend.

i cried because they called me names that I believed were true and deserving and names that I never argued because I didn't want to lose friends. 

It was tearing me apart. Puffy eyes for days. Lost voice from screaming. Not moving out of my bed for days. Just replaying constant scenarios in my head over and over again wondering what I did wrong. 

But one day, it all became clear:

         I will never see yourself in a positive way if I don't surround myself with those who                                 believe in me, support me, and want to be present for me. 

I have finally found my place. I have found a community that believes in what I believe in. People that want to be a part of the change; that want to make a difference. Where we put others first, we trade skills, we support each one of our endeavors because that's what it means to be a community and to collaborate with those around us to better yourself and them. 

I didn't know that this is what I needed until I moved here. I'm constantly asked why I move so much and as much as wanderlust is a huge component to that, being able to find a community and people who understand me was always at the root of it. 

I feel whole again. I feel like me. 

I'm so proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.

                                                My life is moving forward in the best way. The best support, the best                              co-workers, the growing friendships, and the deep relationships. 

              I have such a long way to go, but right this second, I am so immensely grateful. 

For you, for me, for this moment.

Sincerely,

Me xx

It's never simple, is it?

I fell for you. 9 years ago. The second I met you.

But you know that. Because you did the same.
.
.
.
.
Then I ditched you for your best friend. And I fucked up. As usual.

Fast forward 9 years. 

And now this all happened. To you, it's nothing. It's just a friendship. To me? It's everything. 

We made plans. I had no intentions. You seemed more into it than I did. I was just up for hanging out with my friend. 

You pulled up in front of my house, I see you through my window. I run down to say hello and see you through your window and memories came flashing back. Meeting you at the baseball field, talking with you about video games, talking on the rock that overlooked the entire town, talking about relationships and love and realizing that we got along so well. It was the easiest conversation I'd ever had with somebody. It was the first time I believed that someone could like me for me. 

We smoked. We talked. We went and played pool. We got food. We laughed.

I felt you wanted to get closer but I didn't know how I felt. 

Then you kissed me, in my bed.

It's strange to me.

How I became after. 

I know that I'm an emotional person, but usually, with most, my attachment isn't permanent because the emotional feeling isn't there. I can let it go. It's usually so simple because I know how most see me. 

But with you, it's so incredibly different. 

I knew I was in trouble. I knew it because this wasn't going to be a one and done for me. You want to know how I knew?

I smiled afterwards. For hours. For days. Until I saw you next. 

And it happened. Exactly how I expected. I saw you, we smiled, we laughed, we cooked, we kissed, we watched movies. It couldn't have been more comfortable.

It had to become too good to be true, right? 

Because why me? Why would I ever get so lucky?

And I'm not saying it's over. But I know it's heading there. Because it's never me. 

You tell me I'm attractive. You think I'm silly and love the way I dress. That I'm not like every other woman. That I'm okay sitting and not spending money and being spontaneous. I love to make friends with everyone. How bowling, pool, and a giant pitcher or two of beer is my idea of a night out with you. 

But it can never stop there. 

There's ALWAYS a downside. 

You showed me a photo of a woman you thought was also attractive because I told you it was okay to show me because it's not like we were dating and she was cute. And in the beginning, I was okay with it, but with every minute I spent with you, I didn't want to think about her and the effect she has on you. But I couldn't stop thinking about her. Comparing this girl I know nothing about to myself and every single time, she was better than me. I don't even know what she sounds like. 

Then you told me that if I found someone that was perfect for me that I should go with it and do it. That he doesn't know if he'll be ready for a long time, that he's in a weird place. And I have all the respect for that kind of mindset. 

There was no one else. 

I couldn't even think of a soul. Only him. 

I know, I'm always like this. Attached. That it's just a feeling you get when there's someone new. 

When I fall, I fall hard. Every time. And I ruin it. It's always my fault for the drastic decline of our relationship whether it be romantic or platonic. 

With that said, I have something I need to say. 

Dearest You, 

I like you. 

You make me happy. 

The light touches on my back, the kisses, the smiles. 

Cooking together, having a drink, making conversation with strangers. 

You never question me or my actions. 

You listen. You care. You are so genuinely you.

I enjoy talking about you to my friends.

Seeing your face on video even if you're doing it just for me.

You have views, you have dreams, you have opinions.

You may tell me that you're nothing special,

but I believe that people who know someone well understand what's special about them.

I'm sorry for how I am. 

How attached I become. 

The consistent texts, messages, and urges to see you.

Asking you a million times about your feelings.

Questioning your motives when I know you would never lie.

I guess it's simply this:

I know I won't lose you as a friend, but I'm scared you'll lose me.

You never say no to me, and I think if you could, you would.

I don't want to be hurt, especially by you,

but if you need to end it, I have to believe there's something better out there. 

I ultimately want happiness for both of us. I just want lifetimes filled with smiles and pure love. 

And if that's not with each other, then I will accept that. 

Find someone who fills your soul with love, mind with questions, and heart with memories.

I will never stop caring,

Me.